Like a Can Opener in a Worm Factory

My needs mean more to me than yours do. I'm prioritising the fulfillment of my own desires above the fulfillment of others'. And that, for a woman, definitely feels illegal.

This is an amazing concept to me. I mean, I know intellectually that a lot of people feel like this, but I just can't get it emotionally. It's too alien a concept to me. I can't repress myself like that, and have never been able to. Of course, my entire life I have been told that I am loud, arrogant and very, very selfish, and all those things are true, but I can't help but feel that I'm lucky to be as selfish as I am. I'm a suggestible person. Without my selfishness, I'd be a lot more suggestible.

A thought occurs to me. Pretty much my entire life, I've never felt or identified with concepts of "woman" or "female". I've always, always felt like "me" (sometimes I've been cursed to be me, inescapably), and that's always felt much more real. I accept that as far as the rest of the world is concerned, I meet those standards a lot of the time, and usually I'm far too lazy, and/or have no other specifically preferred identity, to deny those categories, so I shrug and go "I guess, if you think I'm a woman...wevs". But I don't feel it. One thing which I'm wondering, after reading your post, is whether one of the main reason I don't feel like that category of person (woman/female), is because what I've seen around me all my life is that that category of person inevitably has and is expected to have anxieties about what others think of them, and I...don't. I care about the opinions of the people I *choose* to care about, people whose opinions are worth something to me, not the general opinions of unknown others. So maybe my learnt understanding of a "feminine" experience is that an intrinsic part of it is about that subservience to the needs of others, something I know I don't have and have maybe therefore never felt quite like "one of the girls".

That's not to say I don't have anxieties about myself. I do, but they're about what I think of me, and I'm usually pretty hard on me. And of course, other people saying nice things about me, while appreciated, doesn't really change my opinion of me if I know I am being sucky. Mind you, while I think I'm pretty wilful, I don't have anything like the force of will that an ED requires, and (I apologise if this is a triggering thing to say, I don't know if it is or not) I have always kind of admired that, while recognising it's still not a good idea.

Damn, I seem to have completely derailed your post by talking about me me me (that selfish thing again)! Sorry about that. What I'm trying to say is, thank you, because you've given me something really useful and interesting to think about in terms of how *I* read gender. I don't know if what I've written is any help to you at all, but that's what it made me think of. Conclusion: selfishness and oblivious arrogance has probably saved my life, so I don't see myself giving it up any time soon. And my idea of womanhood may be rather depressing.