Um. Think of it as like being unstable,untethered to the ground, insecure. It can be powerful, you're flying, you can do anything - and then you crash, here's nothing beneath (inside) you. Tinkof what I was like on Saurday night -turned up and cried, then was (apparently fine,my usual talkative self, thencollapsing allover Emma. Weak and useless, dizzy, but also free, free fromcaring, because my perspective had gone.It's like rolling with the punches. Nothing matters ecept the hole inside you - yes,you're not fully emotionally there in the room,but whatthe hell, the rest of you is, and is talking and laughing and...hey wait. Nobody's noticed! (except hey have, of course.) you- i - flit betweenthetwo states, te tortured awareness and the blissfulfreedom- sometimes several times a minute.
*wry* maybe it's one of those 'been there' things?
Socialpressure:i would love to believe my friends' feelings for me are not entirely dependent on my weight. i suspect this is thecase. But it'snot my friends i'm worried about, a kot of the time (ometimes, but not universally). It's the difference betwewen getting looks on the street andfeeling admired and confident and getting *the same* looks andfeeling threatened and uly. Between *knowing* women staring at you are usually doing so from envy (I don't think they nec are,i'm saying this is how it feels) and with pity. Between feeling that your body issomething to bre proud of,because look,you have the same VS as Kate Moss ( i didn't. I was 30" 23" 31" for a bit tho. that felt good.) and because you're 27 and you can dress like a teenager and nobody notices cos you stillhae the legs. (again, no longer.)
None of it makes *sense*, Dan. It's not rational. You can't work it out. The experience of EDs, esp ED recovery,is painful and conflicted and contradictory. it is entirely possible to feel weak as akitten and uterly euphoric at the same time,because you're in freefalland nothing anchors you to the base earth any more.
NY: see sex and the city. Or Ally McWhatsit. if one of the problems is media output, NY is a city *saturated* in media. And it goesfast. The city that never sleeps, or eats. And you have thse expensively thin well-dressed women everywhere, looking busy and successful, and...i could be like that too, if i didn't eat.
no subject
*wry* maybe it's one of those 'been there' things?
Socialpressure:i would love to believe my friends' feelings for me are not entirely dependent on my weight. i suspect this is thecase. But it'snot my friends i'm worried about, a kot of the time (ometimes, but not universally). It's the difference betwewen getting looks on the street andfeeling admired and confident and getting *the same* looks andfeeling threatened and uly. Between *knowing* women staring at you are usually doing so from envy (I don't think they nec are,i'm saying this is how it feels) and with pity. Between feeling that your body issomething to bre proud of,because look,you have the same VS as Kate Moss ( i didn't. I was 30" 23" 31" for a bit tho. that felt good.) and because you're 27 and you can dress like a teenager and nobody notices cos you stillhae the legs. (again, no longer.)
None of it makes *sense*, Dan. It's not rational. You can't work it out. The experience of EDs, esp ED recovery,is painful and conflicted and contradictory. it is entirely possible to feel weak as akitten and uterly euphoric at the same time,because you're in freefalland nothing anchors you to the base earth any more.
NY: see sex and the city. Or Ally McWhatsit. if one of the problems is media output, NY is a city *saturated* in media. And it goesfast. The city that never sleeps, or eats. And you have thse expensively thin well-dressed women everywhere, looking busy and successful, and...i could be like that too, if i didn't eat.
any clearer??